Your Horoscope For Today
by Brennerdee
Summary: Rewritten and Reposted. Horoscopes can ruin someone's day. Based on weird Al's 'Horoscope for today' and an AMV on Youtube.


**_READ:_ If you don't like, don't review.**

**Your Horoscope** **For Today**

**_Prologue _**

Shino picked a piece of paper off the ground. It said, _"What's your Horoscope?"_

He became curious (much to his dislike) and decided to find out.

_Aquarius!_

"There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day." Shino read aloud to himself. He looked up, crumpled the paper into a ball and tossed it behind him, annoyed at his horoscope. _Stupid piece of paper, it doesn't know anything about the future... _He thought in denial.

---

TenTen was taking a walk around the city, when, out of know where, a crumpled ball of paper came and hit her in the back of the head! She opened up the crumpled note and read.

"_What's your Horoscope? Find out!" _Being into that kind of thing, TenTen found her sign and read.

_Pisces!_

"Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus." _Oh, I better watch out!_ She thought. _Wait…what's the Ebola virus?_

"You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say." TenTen grinned. _Damn right I am! _She decided to leave the paper on the ground for someone else to find, but as she walked away, there was a breeze and the sheet of paper blew away.

---

Sakura was doing the grocery shopping for her mom when a piece of paper flew up into her face! _What the…?_

"_What's your horoscope? Find out what'll happen today!" _

_Cool! _She thought. She looked for hers– Aries.

_Aries!_

"_The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon! Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep."_

"**_WHAT?" _**Inner Sakura shouted. _This has got to be a mistake! _She crumpled it up the same way Shino had and thought: _oh what does it know? _And continued her shopping, completely forgetting about her horoscope, but with one lingering question in the back of her mind:

_Who's Meryl Streep?_

---

Kankuro had come to visit Choji for the summer, along with his two other siblings (Although they actually came for diplomatic reasons.). So here they were now; Choji and Kankuro walking down the street, hand and hand, looking at random shops that they past by.

"Hey, Choji! Look!" Kankuro pointed to a very colorful, wrinkled piece of paper. "What is it?" Choji asked with mild interest. "I don't know, let's look." Kankuro replied, but basically demanded that they go look.

"_What's your Horoscope?"_

"Awesome! Let's see…Well, sense we both have the same sign, lets find out!" Kankuro 'suggested', sounding just like a valley girl. Choji sighed. "I guess, but after this we're going to get something to eat!" Kankuro rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay."

_Taurus!_

"You will never find true happiness– What you gonna do, cry about it?  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep." Kankuro read allowed. They both sweat-dropped. "Well, I'm happy now, so apparently, it's lying." Kankuro said in denial. "Sounds more like Shikamaru…" Choji muttered to himself. "What about Shikamaru?" Kankuro demanded, giving Choji the evil eye. "Nothing!" Choji quickly repaired the Damage and continued walking.

"C'mon Kankuro! You said we could go get something to eat! I'll buy!" At the rare offer, Kankuro sped up, forgetting about the paper he had in his hand. "Well, c'mon then, lets go!"

On the paper you could see the words, _"That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today). That's your horoscope for today. That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today). That's your horoscope for today."_

Random villagers thought, 'Creepy…the paper can sing!' Thinking nothing of the fact that two men were walking down the street, hand in hand and the villagers just acted as if it was a normal occurrence.

…Maybe it was…

---

Itachi walked around the city, in disguise, finding more information on God-knows-what. He saw the paper on the ground and picked it up, looking it over with mild interest.

"…Your horoscope…" He shrugged. "…Gemini…Gemini…Gemini…Gem- therewe go…"

_Gemini!_

"_Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest."_

His face dropped. "My birthday party was only ruined once, thank you very much…" He mumbled to himself. Just as he was about to destroy the paper, Kisame came up to him and told Itachi that they had to leave.

Itachi glared at the paper. _I won't forget this…_

---

Neji was doing his daily walk when found a piece of colorful litter on the ground. _Ugh, I better throw it away. _He thought (also playing over in his mind, the village putting up a statue of him, stating that he has saved the ozone and made the world a cleaner place and then he would get up and make a speech going on and on, ranting about how now he would be put in the main house for his good deed). He picked it up, but sense it wasn't crumpled or anything, he noticed a bit of what it said.

"What's your Horoscope?" 

"Hm?" He looked at it a little closer. "Hey Neji! What are you doing here?" Neji looked over. _Inuzuka Kiba, dog boy, Hinata-sama's teammate, smelly,_ Neji analyzed."Walking, Inuzuka." Kiba rolled his eyes. "Hey what'cha got there?" Kiba looked at the paper in Neji's hand. "It tells you your Horoscope." Neji answered coldly. "Really? Cool! Hey, what's yours?"

"…Cancer." Kiba grinned. "Really? Me too! Let's see what it says!"

_Cancer!_

"The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test." Kiba read aloud. Kiba and Neji gave each other the same look: _'wtf?'_.

"Well that was a waste of time." Neji muttered. _Besides, I have too much poise to be face down in the mud, EVER_. "That was stupid!" _What's a driver's test? _They both walked off together, mumbling about how their horoscope was not true, forgetting the 'piece of colorful litter' on the ground.

---

_Argh. She's following me again. _Sasuke thought to himself. He was walking along and he had Temari following him…again. As he walked, thinking of ways to get rid of her, he didn't notice a slip of paper on the ground.

He slipped. (No pun intended)

"Sasuke-kun! Are you all right?" Temari ran up to him as Sasuke sat up, held his head and looked for the offending object. He saw the paper and picked it up. "Oh! What's that?" Temari asked giddily. "Hn." They both read the paper.

"What's your Horoscope?" 

"Hey, I'm a Leo, what are you Sasuke-kun?"

"…A Leo."

"Wow! Really? That's so cool! What does it say?" Sasuke sighed, took a step away and read aloud.

_Leo!_

"Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik."

Sasuke twitched and Temari sweat-dropped. 'Ew' was all that was on their mind for the first five seconds. "Hn." Sasuke crumpled the paper like so many others had and tossed it. "Wait Sasuke!" Temari followed after him.

And the paper was left alone on the ground…forgotten…

…And hated.

---

Kakashi was walking along when he noticed some paper on the ground. He thought it was pretty- it looked just as colorful as the icha icha books! – So he picked it up. "Hm… 'My Horoscope' you say?" He entered the restaurant he was walking by and sat down. "Hey Kakashi-sensei, what'cha got there?" And wouldn't you know it? It was Shikamaru and Ino!

"Hello. I found this paper on the ground and I find out it tells you your horoscope!" Ino clapped her hands. "C'mon Shika-kun! Lets go look!" Shikamaru sighed. "How troublesome."

"Okay, well, me and Shika-kun are Virgo's so let's find 'Virgo'…" Kakashi grinned underneath his mask. "I'm also a Virgo!"

"Uh-huh, that's nice." Ino mumbled. Kakashi sweat-dropped. "Aha! Here it is! Okay, this is what it says…"

_Virgo!_

"All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick." Ino huffed. "Well that was stupid! Who came up with that?" Shikamaru didn't care and Kakashi double sweat-dropped.

"C'mon Shika-kun– we're leaving." Ino said and walked out. Kakashi looked at the paper again and read the bottom. "That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today). That's your horoscope for today, that's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today). That's your horoscope for today."

"Hm, that's interesting." He walked out of the restaurant (without paying for his drink), crumpled the paper and threw it towards the trashcan.

It missed. (Are non-weapon-mistresses/mister-ninjas allowed to have bad aim?)

---

On the back of the paper (if you looked) it read,

"Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of these is absolutely true.

Where was I?"

---

Naruto was walking along when he saw the same colorful and bright piece of paper everyone else had seen. He picked it up and read.

"What's Your Horoscope?" 

…_Libra. _He thought they meant his sign. He looked down the list and found his.

_Libra!_

"_A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week." _

He frowned. "Well that's not very positive!" He tossed the paper and walked away, now feeling that that paper ruined his good, cheery mood.

---

Jiraiya was peeking in the women's hot springs when he noticed the, once again, bright piece of paper. "Ohhh, what's this?"

"What's your Horoscope?" 

_I don't know…_ he thought to himself.

_Scorpio! _

"_Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak."_

Jiraiya sweat-dropped. _That's comforting, and if I have such a low self-esteem, than why are you being so mean?_ He started having his own little argument and didn't notice the women- angry women- standing behind him.

Thank goodness the paper was blown away, or it would have never stood a chance.

---

Lee was doing his daily jog to the training grounds when he noticed 'the youthful colors of a piece a paper!'

He read.

"Do you know your horoscope?" 

"No I do Not, Youthful Paper! Please tell me, so I may help myself never diminish my youthful flame!" He shouted eagerly.

_Sagittarius!_

"All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them). Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den."

He blinked and continued his jog, feeling somewhat down about what the paper said. The only thing he thought was, _who's Ernest Borgnine?_

---

Gaara stared at Lee as he walked away. Once no one was watching and Lee was out of site, he jumped down and grabbed the paper. If someone could make LEE depressed– he had to see it.

Gaara sensed someone coming up behind him. "O-Ohayo, Gaara-san." He turned around– it was a Hyuuga. He nodded. "What are you looking at?" He showed her the paper. "Oh how fun! What's your sign?" He shrugged. "Well, w-when's you birthday?"

"January 19." Hinata nodded. "Okay, then you're a Capricorn. Wow! Same as me! Let's find it…" They both searched the paper.

_Capricorn!_

They both read it silently to themselves.

"_The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never, leave my house again."_

They looked at each other. "The sad truth is…" Hinata began. "That it's probably true…" Gaara nodded. "Well, I'll see you around, Gaara-san." Hinata walked off. Gaara stared at her as she walked off, shook his head and muttered a simple, "She's right." Before jumping away.

The paper was, once again, left on the ground, forgotten, waiting for someone else to come by and ruin that person's day.

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today). That's your horoscope for today, that's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today), That's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today).  
That's your horoscope for today, that's your horoscope for today (yay, yay, yay, yay, yay), that's your horoscope for today.

What's _your_ Horoscope for today?

–**END–**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

This was inspired by a music Video on YouTube. And it was also re-written.

Song: "Your Horoscope for Today"

Artist: Weird Al

Can you find the lyrics?

Yes, those were all their real signs:

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)-Shino –January 23

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)-TenTen –March 9

Aries (March 21-Apr 20)-Sakura –March 28

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)-Choji –May 1, Kankuro –May 15

Gemini (May 22-June 21)-Itachi –June 9

Cancer (June 22-July 22)-Kiba – July 7, Neji –July 3

Leo (July 23-Aug 23)-Sasuke –July 23

Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23)-Kakashi –September 15, Ino- September 23, Shikamaru- September 22

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23)-Naruto –October 10

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)-Jiraiya –November 11

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 22)-Rock Lee –November 27

Capricorn (Dec 23-Jan 20)-Gaara –January 19, Hinata –December 27

**_READ:_** **if you don't like, don't review.**


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